| | -Holding onto promises like we hold onto the ashes of our loved ones. and I am
breathing, laughing, living, and moving without you here. There is pain in my
bones and today I woke up and realized it was still another day without you. My
fingers are still tracing your name into the condensation on the windows while I
murmur to you in my sleep, and I am just tired, tired, tired. Were we really
happy? Did we really mean anything? The most you can say by now is that you do
care about me, and you'd touch me so gently, and I'd still feel so safe in your
arms. I promised, promised that I'd stop crying over you, but I can still taste
the saline drawing maps down my cheeks, and we'd still laugh like we meant
nothing, and look into the future like it means something. and it is like
swimming on the bottom of the ocean without wanting to come back alive, and it
is like sleeping without you beside me. and could you feel my heart beating, and
my lungs breathing, when you told me that you were, oh, so sorry? Do you know
everything, by now? Do you understand? and you would look at me so insincerely
while I'd offer my heart to you, but maybe I just want to be rescued.
and a month later, I am still running our promises through my fingers like children thread sand through their fingers while playing next to the beach. the waves ebb in, and out, in, and out. The sand stretches, stretches, and the sky is as white as a dove's wing. I imagine and take a step back, into where we used to be, what we used to be. You always tried to tickle my legs with yours when we were falling asleep together. You used to push yourself out from bed just to embrace me from behind. You used to pick me up when I was down. You would hold my hand when I was scared, saying that you would, that you would protect me. You made me feel as though I were a child again, that maybe, just maybe, I could fly. but my wings are dying without your smiling next to me. and everywhere I go I am still a little scared of finding your face in the crowd, even when you are hundreds of miles away. and I miss you, even when you are right next to me, and I miss you, even when I am laughing, because I want you here to laugh with me. We were under an ocean, and it was like we were not scared of drowning. but you have resurfaced for air, and I am still down here, still wanting. and you would thread my heart with hope every time you knocked, every time you called. You always wanted to know what I was doing, and now that we are apart, you are still laughing. and you are doing fine without me, and you are happy when I am not there. and others say, "whatever, you deserve better." but as the sand is to the beach, you are to me as the stars are to the sky. and when I exhale condensation while I walk alone at night, I remember how you used to sit your arm around my shoulder, and I around your waist. and I always tried to take care of you, I wanted to show you everything, I wanted to be your everything. While the tears blur my vision I am still wishing and wondering what you think now. because I am calling, calling, yet when you pick up I am too scared, and I am suffocating, and I say nothing at all. My phone is closed, and it is like I was never there at all. and I am tired because I know I know better, because I am not foolish, because I have been where I have been. yet, as a frantic dog is tied to a wooden post, my mind is anchored by my heart, and my eyes are bright and my hands are shaking. and you are as cold as lonely snow, and I am missing. save me.
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| | Posted 12/25/2007 5:56 PM - 10 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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